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Thursday, January 7, 2010

So anyway...

My apologies for the lack of updates, I'd like to say I was out doing something stunning and exciting, so I will: I was adopted by a society of assassins to take down certain members of the American government. They refused to give me any sort of weapon, or training, or anything useful, so I used all of my cunning, intelligence, and wit to find my way into the Obama's dinner party uninvited, that'll show 'em. Don't tell anyone okay? I'd get Fox News ringing my phone off the hook wanting to give me a pundit position along side Joe the Plumber. Ah, Fox News! In reality land however, my laptop broke, so I got a new one for Christmas, I love my family. Now onto something entertaining.
So as I was away, a new television show, concocted by the soul sucking, antithesis to entertainment, and all around media whores at MTV infested the hearts and minds of douche bags who watch MTV, I'm talking about, "Jersey Shore." I've watched TV for a long time, I've seen a lot of shows that made me question my hobby, shows like, " Cop Rock," which was pitched to me as, and I'm not making this up, CSI: The musical. I watched this once, then it was cancelled. Or," All American Girl," Which was a star vehicle for Margret Cho, and because your asking yourself, "Who the fuck is Margret Cho?" Should explain the success of this sitcom.
Yet Jersey Shore, a show more stereotyped then the stereotype they're stereotyping annihilates these audio visual abortions and becomes something that The CW wouldn't even watch. Jersey Shore follows eight, uh, now I don't want to call these things people because that would be an insult to humanity, and we take a big enough beating as is, So I shall call these things darkspawn, because these things could have only seeped out of the deepest, darkest, pit of hell itself.
Can someone get this guy a shirt?

According to Wikipedia, the most trusted name in Internet information:
"The show examines the lives of eight young cast members living and vacationing on the various resorts along the Jersey Shore, more specifically the town of Seaside Heights. In exchange for living and partying in the shore house, each member of the cast is required to work shifts at a local boardwalk t-shirt store. Failure to comply with the ground rules set by their boss, who owns the shore house in which the cast resides, results in termination and eviction from the shore house."
Riveting isn't it? Fuck "24," With it's intriguing plot filled with betrayal and stories that could be ripped directly from the terrifying times we now live in. Fuck, "Dexter," with it's characters that you care about, and being dark and emotional while still being witty and engaging. No, We want Guido Italiano stereotypes partying it up and having more fun then we have while being more flat then a cardboard pancake.

Stare in amazement as he regales us with tales of his afternoon gelling,

So who are the characters in this abomination of entertainment. Well I'm going to focus an three of the most annoying, yet bafflingly famous of the eight.


Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino

And then there's this asshole.

Mike, or as his alternate persona, "The Situation," is an assistant manager of a fitness center in Staten Island, He comes off as cocky and confident, the kinda guy who'd give himself a fucking nickname. Mike, apparently, has a softer more sensitive side he fakes to get Guido chicks. He attempts to portray this when he says, and I'm quoting here, "I am a little bit of a wild kid but at the same time, I have that sensitive side. I would love to settle down." Aw, maybe he isn't just a spiky haired, six packed, more-orange-then-white Guido, son of a bitch. But wait, whats this? The situation also said, "I'm in the process of it right now. I don't know if it's possible, but I'm trying ... They're actually selling 'I Love The Situation' panties on!," Really? How sensitive for a money grubbing media whore. Oh, did I mention he used to be a stripper?
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Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Gah! Kill it with fire!

This failed face lift is a self proclaimed "guidette" from Marlboro, New York outside of Poughkeepsie and is, and I'm not making this up, an aspiring veterinary technician.Wait, lets stop here a minute, A vet? This women can barely eat, and I'm serious, and I quote, " I tried to eat, but I couldn't get it in my frickin' mouth, 'cuz I'm disabled," Yes, you read that right, couldn't eat, because she's disabled... I can't even wrap my head around that quote, and she wants to take care of Guido animals I suppose. Bad day to be a Jersey cat. She describes her ideal man as one who fits the Guido stereotype and says, about The Situation, " Mike can be a nice guy. Like, he shows his good side then he shows his jerk off side. But that's what I like ... a good guy and a jerk off..." Now, I'm not a master of the English language, which is a surprise from my excellent spelling and grammar but I believe that is a contradiction. A nice guy and a jerk-off doesn't exist, what shes asking for is an abstract concept that will never exist, somebody should explain this to her...slowly, and without using words bigger then, "disabled." She also got punched in the eye, proving that there is, in fact, justice in this world.

Finally there is:

Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio

Now this will surprise you, but that's a different guy from the first one... I know right?

Look, another ass with a nickname. Here we have a DJ from Rhode Island. He, of course, owns a tanning bed in his house and spends around 25 minutes daily on his hair. read that again, 25 minutes on your hair. Do you know what can be done in that amount if time?

1.Start reading that book you've been putting off for two years

2. Follow the time it takes for Fox News to report something bad about Obama.

3. Start writing that book you've been putting off for two years

4. Learn to juggle, or learn to juggle better

5. Learn to draw, or learn to draw better
"But I can't draw, not even a straight line!"
Well skippy, you can't do what you don't do, so instead of spending the next 25 inutes convincing yourself why you shouldn't learn to draw that straight line, pick up pencil and paper and just do it!

6. Learn at least three new words from a different language (or your own language ).

7. Start learning to play an instrument… no instrument handy? Sit down, get your hands on the table, feet on the floor, and learn to play drums.

8. Learn to build a web page. Use HTML, CSS, Flash, php, MySQL, whatever it is, do something new, or polish up on the stuff you've forgotten about

9. Stop exercising

10. Spend 25 minutes writing down 30 reasons why you don't have 25 minutes to do something.

Fucking Pwned.

So there we have the people that make this show popular, and I am no where near understanding why? There was a time where MTV Played music, remember that? When music was actually a factor on Music TeleVision , No, of course not, you know why? Because I don't think that ever happened, I think that after The Real World became an unexpected phenomenon, MTV Decided that music was a bad Idea and decided to eradicate it from our memories. I'll bet you by MTV will have erases Music from there channel, Like WWE erased Chris Benoit. But really, what did expert from the channel that brought us The Hills and 16 and Pregnant. alas I fear the days of television shall soon be dissolved into a pool of Jersey shores, survivor clones, and The Bachelor. They will all congeal and form there own channel.

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