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Friday, November 20, 2009

The Ballad of Douchey McBaggington

In college you meet some interesting people. Some may just be a passing friendship that will neither add nor take anything away from your life, some may stick with you for a life time. In my case so far, I've met all kinds, the kind, the funny, the bitch, and in the following story, one of the biggest douche's in the country, to protect the identitys of the innocent and the fucktarded, I'll call him Douchey McBaggington. Now I first met Douchey on my first day of classes, we both asked the same guy where are classes were, he just so happened to be going to the same place, so I followed him into the elevator. He seemed, at this point anyway, a decent human being. He kept up this facade until after our first class, and we noticed a Foosball table, we decided to pass the time by playing a game. Now I will be the first to admit that I suck so hard at this game that it makes it hard to breath, and I told him this. He then proceeded to tell me all about the championships he's won. The championships he's bike racing. I'll let that little bit of retardation sink in. Yes he decided to change the entire subject of the previous conversation to tell me how bad ass he is, at bike racing. I feigned interest and bit back the urge to warm up my smacking hand. So we played, I lost 5 to 10 (citation needed) the first game. He then proceeded to tell me all that I did wrong that game, intensively. My hand placement, how I should spin the stick, how to use angles to win a point. I let this obvious lack of parental intervention continue for ten full minutes. We then played again, I again lost. He then continued his lesson for another five minutes, I'd tell you about it, but I fell asleep with my eyes open to look like I'm paying attention. We then played against two other people, he was on my team, playing defense. I, in my usually suckish way, had not been faring too well, but scored thrice. We were down 5 to 3 when McBaggington scored from defense, he then said, " I can't believe I'm scoring all the points from back here." I contemplated throwing him through the window, twice. We lost, not badly, but lost, He then said, "Well now I just need someone to play offense." He scored once the entire game. My brain exploded. Now this may seem like a small and relatively harmless and small incident in the world, but keep in mind that this was only the first day, and I'm not done yet. Later in the year we got our first test, Our friend Douchey was confident in his ability to kick my low GPA getting ass at this test, as he said he had a secret strategy to study. His strategy was too take every question, and equate it too -- Wait, I'm gonna let you guess

Does Douchey equate every study question to

A. Songs he's listened to while studying
B. Television Shows he's watched while studying
C. Pool

Give up? Well if you said C. Pool you're right and probably a little deranged. That's right Internet, for some reason that I'm pretty sure breaks every goddamn law physics has to offer, he equates every study question we were given, to pool shots ( Which By the way he's won many championships in, apparently) It's not just me right? I can't be the only one who thinks this is the stupidest thing sense, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?" So the test was taken, we walked to the bus stop in which we shared and he began telling me about how he, "Totally raped that test," the test had bonus questions on it so it was possible to get above 100%. Which of course is what he was totally sure he got. "I totally got at least 80 on that test I knew every- wait there were bonus questions on that test right?, So I must have gotten over 100%, wow you know that's like over 90%? Wow it's scary when you know you got over 100%," It's scary when you know you got over 100? Is it now? Well in one of the greatest shows of karma in the entire world, when we got the test back, I wound up with 1 65%, McBaggington? 42%. Wow it's scary when you know you got under 50 isn't it? Shut up and get me a coffee.

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